Oh, To Love. (Poem 2015)

Oh, To Love

To know that you are mine

Puts a smile on my face,

Makes my world shine.

Gives me goosebumps from another land.

To know you are by my side

love,  lust, and passion so true.

Yet never have I lied,

when feelings are spoke.

It was love’s first sign,

When I saw your lovely face.

Got amazing chills up my spine.

How we can collide,

With so much power

Like an ocean tide.

Splashing life upon the shore.

Now we can drink red wine,

being stupid as ever,

Not able to talk a straight line.

Smoking a bowl together.

Its this feeling from inside,

I’ll love you forever.

Maybe future be your bride,

You give me feels I've never before felt.

My mind feels somehow realigned

Hand and hand,

Dreams of us age 89

Together forever

Or maybe it’s just I feel like I’ve flied

Further the you can reach

Being silly with pride

With how much love if before me.

From the time of distress,

To the current times of good feels.

We shall never miss,

Our lust and love.

For our hearts, so conjoined.

Shall never be apart.

Taken far away by pain

By the past that was.

I have set to die for you,

My life turned into a cry,

Not for you.

Now we wait.

Hand in hand age 89,

You will sit and as a drunk,

I have forgotten much of you,

Cause I’m broke now and

You were gay and didn’t even know.

That context changed me.

You made me somewhat a monster?

Now you are,

My dull old gold.

To know that you were mine

Puts a grin on my face,

Makes my world a tattered fine.

Gives me goosebumps

For my love has gone cold.

You've Wisely transformed into somewhat of a Cunt.

You turned away,

Forgetting and learning a new day..

So For now my darling,

I send you best regards from hell.

-Emily Joy

3/6/15-11/23/15

The Life Mirror (Poem 2015)

A life played by a teenage girl,

A life overlooked

As it’s falling, you silly troubled girl

Sinking down to hell, so cruel

A life trying to snatch, drag me

A life where I may just be a fool..

I remember old pain,

Holding on, no breaking free

Before I was scarred. Beaten

I lost what compassion was brutally ripped from me,

Lust Was love

‘Downers’ were my chill & “Forget all about it”

Fentanyl & booze were my Feel good all over, utopic nodding warmth

‘Speeders’ were my feel good & go!

Memory gone forever

I love the feeling of chemicals breathing through my nose to the works of my brain

I crushed trust from those who stayed

I played all night & felt death in the morning

I threw out my health

I cleansed my body of nourishment and hydration

I cared about others opinions

The alternative was death

A life where I lived to die

A life being grown over,

By a life worth living.

-Emily Joy

Different Indeed (Poem 2015)

Little rattle,

Let it settle,

Little needy,

Let you see.

Little curious,

Something got you wonderfully lingering .

They all move around you.

Human faces chase you,

Voices whisper secrets behind you,

Your eyes, they see different perceptions.

Different indeed.

Life's picture has distorted pixels.

In and out, oh you wanna shout.

It will never go back.

You once presented yourself,

Turned yourself inside out,

Filling it with toxic shine.

You let you find a frequency,

Know one else can see.

No one believes in word I say,

I’m just that loser.

In the corner.

HPPD that's my new enclosure.

They think you're just you,

Yet you moved along.

Yesterday rubs friction,

On the day you call today.

-Emily Joy

11/24/15

Shape Poem

Be the circle

Every sides is smooth and sharp

Every angle and length is equal

Everything symmetrical; perfect

That is fine desires in blind eyes

One blind could not see so clear

Yet should only trust as you tell

But isn’t it a crime to be square?

Acrostic Poems (NEFARIOUS & SOMNAMBULIST)

                       It's Not Me

Never do I mean this aching brutality

Eternal darkness is kept within

Further I crawl into the void

All as sse should be deceived

Remember your forever cursed

Inside you are selfish, no care.

Oblivion in my mind is no crime

Under the pain all else created

Sanity has finally escaped me; I may slumber

Sleep Tight

Someone told me me long ago, deep in the night

Open your eyes child, they will try to deceive you

My mind speak it true, however I always knew it

Never safe in this world of the ignorant, vulnerable

Amongst those who capture the rare soul you hold

May you never lay to rest for promises untold

Begin your walk beneath the sidewalk, in opposite

Underneath the world you see and breath today

Little known you forgo all the lousy things they say

In the race of tonight, gift them the token of eternal night.

Slumber tonight like one whom nevers sees the light

Tonight I sleep with my eyes open; among  the undead

Christopher and I (Poetic Reflection on "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time")

We are computers-machines-

Completely made up of complexities

Not just viewing through a window

A little person in our bodies peering out.

When we die our windows freeze,

The audio inharmonious,

Descending to silence forever.

The visuals lose their color,

An old fashion tv, colorblind you see.

Light sensitivity fades to blackness.

There's just so much wrong,

With that old beaten computer.

Yes, fondled with-smacked around.

We fix it by replacing parts,

If only we could fix it always.

Like getting beat by a hammer.

Dropped from a rooftop.

If only we could put it together piece by piece.

With the same clustered history and downloads.

People just like computers can run incomplete.

A missing kidney-a chip off the bottom.

Or a missing finger-a missing q

Reshape broken bones.

But glitches, the glitches in our screen.

The pathway of seeing things.

The hue, the saturation and the contrast.

Broken keys on a keyboard,

Yet the look to be fine.

These are much too difficult for most to figure out.

Yet it is consistent so you must learn, learn to live with it.

You must refresh the page, retry and retry to understand the direction, where it must go, what it must show.

Press that key really hard if you want a response, but it won't listen too stubborn.

You must look closely at a broken screen, see only where they care, only seeing if they want to.

Only seeing certain parts of the screen.

The computer is the only one who can know,

You thinking they act as “We don't want you to see.”

Only cause they don't show what you want to see.

But really they cry “please see, make me useful again.”

They know what's on the other side. Trust me,

It's better left a mystery.

Just like Christopher and me.

When there is a jam in information or errors with data.

A build is a manifestation of viruses from mysterious places.

So when this happens-what do you do?

You try to fix the poor broken computer.

Analysing solutions and resolutions.

The computer goes and goes.

Check it once. Check it twice.

The cursor blinks out,

Cannot seek and select any option anymore.

Till it shuts itself down. Goes blank and unfinished.

Cooling down getting ready to grow cold, forever.

Leaving you without a daughter, a husband or a brother.

No more answers to your questions.

So before it gives up, tedious it grows,

You try one last time, press a button.

Give it a push, ascending a wailing cry back for life.

It gets again, this time it must update.

Grew to be harder than before but this time,

It is not a fury at its abnormalities, patients.

Do not rush it, for it will overload.

You never want to lose your Christopher and I

This I Belive (Inspirational Speech)

It would be nice to think every kid in America had a fair chance at a safe and nurturing childhood. But that’s not always the case. I will forever remember being bruised, beaten, and baffled. Since then I was and ever since have been pushed to work harder and harder every single day. Memories from my past sometimes feel so intense; like deja vu. I would look at fairy tale movies and know I was not the royalty; I never could be. I was that person working, getting tossed around. But the questions I’ve spent my life asking is: “What do I do with your life once he puts you down?”

Then soon,

How will I get through once I am sober? How do I no longer see food as an entity? How do I see my skin as me rather than too different, an error? When will I no longer have to go to war with myself, to keep my sanity, keep those around me?

How do I not feel so alone when I can’t explain what makes me, me? When I have to follow a different set of rules, one I’ve created?

Do I hide away and take cover from the world? Or do I ponder how different my life would be if things were to have happened differently?”

No. I can’t just sit around.

I found that I wasn’t even giving myself the credit I wished others had given me for my resilience and self-motivation.

I need to stand up and fight the fear of the worst. I need know that I can still build something that will be permanent while I am standing. I just knew I have to do something with it!

I couldn’t let other people hold me back,

I was sick of being a victim.

I wanted make myself worth much more than they ever saw in me.

Because it cannot be about merely living and dying, but I could easily be using my personal experiences to give something to the world. It doesn’t even matter that I didn’t necessarily get very much to start with but that doesn’t change the fact that I can give something out that will help other people who aren’t really getting the lucky side of things. I am the only person who has survived my life, I can’t let that go to waste. Maybe someone else couldn’t survive a life like mine unless I told them that it is possible.

At the end of my Junior year,

I knew that all I wanted was to succeed, but I also needed a place with a structure I could rely on. Leaving home was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make. Moreso leaving my mother, whom I subconsciously vowed to protect. Though I knew if I was to dwell in this abyss simply pondering dreams, I would find myself losing any inspiration I held onto. If I were to have stayed suspended in a commonplace where my dreams and aspirations were my most lively muse, the only thing providing me solace. If I had stayed, I soon would have unfathomably abandoned those hopes, only to spite my yearning.

I prompted myself with a reminder of the inevitable; It’s virtually impossible to find success without taking a risk. I had to choose wisely while finding the strength and the willpower to take that risk that could lead me to triumph; or leave me with nothing. Yet continued forward with the audacity to get on the high rope - and never look down, only forward-  for it’s all or nothing.

I have committed myself to taking every moment of trial and turmoil to overcome my past and unravel the rest of a story. I am actualizing my true talents, continually excited to witness my dedication and everything I can put my mind to, all the while remembering how hard work is noticed.

If I push through the hardship with dignity and determination there is always a chance for a future, it’s up to me how different it will be.

If I keep holding my perseverance I will be rewarded whether it’s what I have been working for or something I hadn’t even seen possible, something unsuspected.

I must never feel more worthy the cards I am given, I must build and shape them to show my potential.

I can never be envious or be grateful for what I’m given in life, it’s a curse on myself; one of the worst kind I have allowed take a piece of control in my life.

Today was yesterday's future, last week was once my present. Now is now, now will always be in the past. Time passes anyways, what am I going to do in the meantime that will mean something for my now in the future. I must believe in now.