I Feel So Alone (Journal 2017 - Not from school)

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me, very tight.
People give up on me. One way or another. Sometimes I hurt them, scare them or overwhelm them. My mother has similar issues so its like dealing with another me. I need someone sraight sensed but everyone else doesnt understand. It feels as though I misunderstood. My therapists in the past had not diagnosed me with BPD until right before I moved away, somewhere almost impossible to find therapy without my mother here to sign off. Then the one I've run into hear replied as so;
"You do know Borderline Personality Disorder is generally revolved around attention seeking behaviors. Does that sound like you?"
Which I'm already afraid of speaking out about this knowing that people might think you are I'm emotionally unstable, selfish or manipulative, if they know I have BPD, I already instinctively avoid opening up and talking about it, I go for it and receive this? Not what I was hoping for. I hope in time, I can find someone I can be honest with so I'm not alone on thise. For now, there's always prices of me I hold in. Leave for myself to ponder and myself only. That's alright, for now.

Borderline Personalities - You don't have to hide, you are not alone. (Journal 2017 - Not from school)

I don't know how to configure responses with everything going on inside me or my head. But I'm sure other Borderline Personalities understand.
I just want you and all those people alike to know. I feel alone. Very, very alone. It's like I want to be by myself but not lonely. Half the stuff I do is subconscious, which when I cant explain other people dont understand -Which is understandable. So I confide online posts, the comments and people who understand. No matter how far or unknown, I feel a connection. Giving me reason.
I thank everyone of you, for just being you.
No matter how scary we are to ourselves, we are saints to each other.

Tell Me (Self resolved Speech/Poem)

What is good enough?
Am I paranoid, or am I scared?
Am I lost, or just confused?
Am I a weak nuerotypical, or strong abnormality?
Am I good enough? What for?
Am I trapped in this disease, or do I choose to be?
Could I fix it, or would it be temporary - would I be a sham?
Could I do it right, or will I always be wrong?
If I do have have an illness, from where did it come?
Could I find an equilibrium, or will it always be one- or the other?
Will it suffocate me, all at once?
Will I survive, or will I parish?
If I should survive, could I ever live?
Tell me,
What is good enough?
That's all I want to be,
Because everything above, you see, is me.
And, frankly, it's all good enough for me.