I'm laying here on a couch at 4:45 AM slowly getting more paranoid. It started off where I could distract myself and now it's at the point where I can not sleep. I can feel the energy coming back. I can feel him, the air with a pull, a pressure harder than normal against the orbit of my neck. A shadow with eyes in every corner of the house.
I can feel every thing but I can't see it all the way, I've released every speck to continue on. Is it real? Did it happen at all? I cannot see it but I can feel it all now. I don't like this, I'm losing this confrontation I did not mean to choose.
Alone. I see things, I hear things alone and now I'm alone with only a wall between him and I. The innocent him inevitably poisoned. Subconciously corrupted, he has damned his essence. The soul, the spirit of everything around me is frightening. Like if there was a gun pointed at my head from every angle.
I'm terrified of every silhouette, should he climb out once I fall to peace, blissfully asleep. Will the him that's left for me to see. Is that all he will be? The notorious villain whose cursed us both, so we shall never truly be free?
Should this be all of me? Frightened of where he could be? Shall I ever part from these fears, these feelings? Even if it's not him I hear with every creek and shuffle, even if it's not him I see. I feel nauseous, I feel sick. My stomach is carved out, boiling into a muck I cannot get unstuck.
What was I thinking, to come here.
To a place where a part of him lives.
You wished him no evil but the devil of his father, it lives in his eyes.
The Devil He Calls Father - It lives in his eyes
I Feel So Alone (Journal 2017 - Not from school)
Sometimes I just want someone to hug me, very tight.
People give up on me. One way or another. Sometimes I hurt them, scare them or overwhelm them. My mother has similar issues so its like dealing with another me. I need someone sraight sensed but everyone else doesnt understand. It feels as though I misunderstood. My therapists in the past had not diagnosed me with BPD until right before I moved away, somewhere almost impossible to find therapy without my mother here to sign off. Then the one I've run into hear replied as so;
"You do know Borderline Personality Disorder is generally revolved around attention seeking behaviors. Does that sound like you?"
Which I'm already afraid of speaking out about this knowing that people might think you are I'm emotionally unstable, selfish or manipulative, if they know I have BPD, I already instinctively avoid opening up and talking about it, I go for it and receive this? Not what I was hoping for. I hope in time, I can find someone I can be honest with so I'm not alone on thise. For now, there's always prices of me I hold in. Leave for myself to ponder and myself only. That's alright, for now.
People give up on me. One way or another. Sometimes I hurt them, scare them or overwhelm them. My mother has similar issues so its like dealing with another me. I need someone sraight sensed but everyone else doesnt understand. It feels as though I misunderstood. My therapists in the past had not diagnosed me with BPD until right before I moved away, somewhere almost impossible to find therapy without my mother here to sign off. Then the one I've run into hear replied as so;
"You do know Borderline Personality Disorder is generally revolved around attention seeking behaviors. Does that sound like you?"
Which I'm already afraid of speaking out about this knowing that people might think you are I'm emotionally unstable, selfish or manipulative, if they know I have BPD, I already instinctively avoid opening up and talking about it, I go for it and receive this? Not what I was hoping for. I hope in time, I can find someone I can be honest with so I'm not alone on thise. For now, there's always prices of me I hold in. Leave for myself to ponder and myself only. That's alright, for now.
Borderline Personalities - You don't have to hide, you are not alone. (Journal 2017 - Not from school)
I don't know how to configure responses with everything going on inside me or my head. But I'm sure other Borderline Personalities understand.
I just want you and all those people alike to know. I feel alone. Very, very alone. It's like I want to be by myself but not lonely. Half the stuff I do is subconscious, which when I cant explain other people dont understand -Which is understandable. So I confide online posts, the comments and people who understand. No matter how far or unknown, I feel a connection. Giving me reason.
I thank everyone of you, for just being you.
No matter how scary we are to ourselves, we are saints to each other.
I just want you and all those people alike to know. I feel alone. Very, very alone. It's like I want to be by myself but not lonely. Half the stuff I do is subconscious, which when I cant explain other people dont understand -Which is understandable. So I confide online posts, the comments and people who understand. No matter how far or unknown, I feel a connection. Giving me reason.
I thank everyone of you, for just being you.
No matter how scary we are to ourselves, we are saints to each other.
Tell Me (Self resolved Speech/Poem)
What is good enough?
Am I paranoid, or am I scared?
Am I lost, or just confused?
Am I a weak nuerotypical, or strong abnormality?
Am I good enough? What for?
Am I trapped in this disease, or do I choose to be?
Could I fix it, or would it be temporary - would I be a sham?
Could I do it right, or will I always be wrong?
If I do have have an illness, from where did it come?
Could I find an equilibrium, or will it always be one- or the other?
Will it suffocate me, all at once?
Will I survive, or will I parish?
If I should survive, could I ever live?
Tell me,
What is good enough?
That's all I want to be,
Because everything above, you see, is me.
And, frankly, it's all good enough for me.
Am I paranoid, or am I scared?
Am I lost, or just confused?
Am I a weak nuerotypical, or strong abnormality?
Am I good enough? What for?
Am I trapped in this disease, or do I choose to be?
Could I fix it, or would it be temporary - would I be a sham?
Could I do it right, or will I always be wrong?
If I do have have an illness, from where did it come?
Could I find an equilibrium, or will it always be one- or the other?
Will it suffocate me, all at once?
Will I survive, or will I parish?
If I should survive, could I ever live?
Tell me,
What is good enough?
That's all I want to be,
Because everything above, you see, is me.
And, frankly, it's all good enough for me.
A Warm Welcome For You, For All. (Introduction)
One thing I'm told a lot,
"No body's going to take the time to read something you write."
Reason number one is I write, a lot.
Second, I get too deep, brutally honest.
If that's not something you want, well I suppose you can look elsewhere. Creating this blog wasn't one of the million things running through me head, not even close.
I've just moved away from my mother who I've lived with for many years. Out of every trouble I've come across, I never thought this would be one.
That's alright, mostly my choice for a better hope for success for I graduate this year.
I was in Home Intesive Therapy before my move and once I got here, well, I haven't had any sort of therapist. This is because my mother sometimes has problems following through with things - in this case signing off as my guardian.
Anyways, when seeing a therapist who comes to my school once a week, I read an essay (configured from a journal).
She told me, If I have BPD her 1 day a week for 16 weeks won't do much. She suggested for better progress I find one place of focus.
You see I don't know what I need, so pinpointing even one thing, well that seems impossible. I've decided to start with communication and leveling out greif - for I lost one of my closest friends about a month ago and a family friend about 2 weeks ago - so I can focus on my illness more effectively.
She asked me after my reading, on the verge of tears, "Have you ever considered writing a blog, the way you write is so effective. You could help alot of people like you."
My reply went simply as so, "I don't know how."
The subject got changed but I stayed consistent on it in my thoughts.
About a week after I started pondering, I've taken a few steps int he right direction.
For a bit I could only find blog starters that cost money, well, that's not usually an option for me. I eventually came across Blogger after I opened up about initiating amy own to my uncle. Well now here I am.
There are many things in my life leading me to think I can only hurt or confuse. In my writing I find understand of my self, others find it easier to understand me.
Its like I give myself advice but I dont know how to use it.
I hope, for once, I can help others with life at the same time as me, or even you can put use to it. Even the hard stuff.
In honesty, possibly it's like I have someone to talk to.
A challenge for me is I am scared of being judged or misunderstood but at the same time I want to get in out, let someone know.
I want to be by myself but I'm scared of being lonely.
My this blog The Journals of a Haywire Train wreck every reader, and I can think together. Keep each other company - in a way.
"No body's going to take the time to read something you write."
Reason number one is I write, a lot.
Second, I get too deep, brutally honest.
If that's not something you want, well I suppose you can look elsewhere. Creating this blog wasn't one of the million things running through me head, not even close.
I've just moved away from my mother who I've lived with for many years. Out of every trouble I've come across, I never thought this would be one.
That's alright, mostly my choice for a better hope for success for I graduate this year.
I was in Home Intesive Therapy before my move and once I got here, well, I haven't had any sort of therapist. This is because my mother sometimes has problems following through with things - in this case signing off as my guardian.
Anyways, when seeing a therapist who comes to my school once a week, I read an essay (configured from a journal).
She told me, If I have BPD her 1 day a week for 16 weeks won't do much. She suggested for better progress I find one place of focus.
You see I don't know what I need, so pinpointing even one thing, well that seems impossible. I've decided to start with communication and leveling out greif - for I lost one of my closest friends about a month ago and a family friend about 2 weeks ago - so I can focus on my illness more effectively.
She asked me after my reading, on the verge of tears, "Have you ever considered writing a blog, the way you write is so effective. You could help alot of people like you."
My reply went simply as so, "I don't know how."
The subject got changed but I stayed consistent on it in my thoughts.
About a week after I started pondering, I've taken a few steps int he right direction.
For a bit I could only find blog starters that cost money, well, that's not usually an option for me. I eventually came across Blogger after I opened up about initiating amy own to my uncle. Well now here I am.
There are many things in my life leading me to think I can only hurt or confuse. In my writing I find understand of my self, others find it easier to understand me.
Its like I give myself advice but I dont know how to use it.
I hope, for once, I can help others with life at the same time as me, or even you can put use to it. Even the hard stuff.
In honesty, possibly it's like I have someone to talk to.
A challenge for me is I am scared of being judged or misunderstood but at the same time I want to get in out, let someone know.
I want to be by myself but I'm scared of being lonely.
My this blog The Journals of a Haywire Train wreck every reader, and I can think together. Keep each other company - in a way.
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